I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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