i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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