i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
