all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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