They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
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My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
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But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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