and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
