You just made me feel so damn special
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
