i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
