I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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