just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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