i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
