Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
