I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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