Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
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My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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