Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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