THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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