I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have already put on my inside pants.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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