Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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