The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
