I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
