I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
