Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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