He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
