I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
