He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
