Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
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He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
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I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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