Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
