Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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