better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
