took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
