I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
