Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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