I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
