I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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