Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
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You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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