I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
