im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
