Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
