I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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