nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
