whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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