Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
