At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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