I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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