I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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