i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
