I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
