i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
