Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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