Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
