Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
