I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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