Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
