Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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